Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
