Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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