He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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