you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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