I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
