If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
