bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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