Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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