I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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