She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
