I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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