So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have fence marks all over my body
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
