Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
