Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
