omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
