omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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