oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
