Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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