this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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