You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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