I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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