after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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