Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
