how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
