I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
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you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
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I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny