True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Houston, we have a squirter
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Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.