Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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