i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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