time to smoke my breakfast
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I need water and some morals
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
