took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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