My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
