I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
