Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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