By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
