Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
