I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
