The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i think we sleep fucked last night...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
