No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
