Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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