My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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