It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
