end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
