Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
