We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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