Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
