Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
