I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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