It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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