everyone is single if you try hard enough
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
