don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
