I puked a lego.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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