She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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