I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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