How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My vagina is officially offended.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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