Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
