my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
